Me vs. Me
“Ccccaaaannn you taaaallllk??”, I asked Donald as I was struggling to see through my tears, let alone catch my breath while climbing West Mountain, just south of Bear Mountain, New York. Donald is Katie’s husband, the welder of my since deceased tent poles and the rescucitator of Bear Bear (ref: June 21, 2021 post).
I was circling the drain of my perception of my physical incapability. I was deep into my comparison to those that were states ahead of me. I was afraid of being completely responsible for my own hike, should it be best for Wallflower to hike ahead, both for reasons surrounding the constraints of his budget and my thirst for autonomy. And ultimately, for reasons encircling the above, I was petrified of not having the opportunity to crawl into Baxter State Park in time to summit Mt. Katahdin.
So I phoned a friend. A friend that is competitive in his own right. A friend that speaks reason. A friend that builds confidence. Gusto. A friend who wants nothing more than for me to succeed and believes that I’ve already done so. He tells me as much. A friend who understands how I tick.
“Don’t focus on Katahdin, Sarah. Focus on your next step. Like literally, your next actual step.”, Donald reminded me. We talked of the handicaps of comparison. How the discipline of my hike differs from those of the others. How it was only August 4th.
My sobs had slowed to a trickle when DWP had to take a conference call. It was then that I approached the “1400” mile mark. Divergent from my usual elation when reaching a milestone, I stared at it blankly. Motionless. Emotionless. I audibly wept. I felt broken. Directionless, despite the rectangular white stripes that were guiding me. I would allow myself to sit for 5 minutes. No, make that 10. 10 minutes of vegetation wouldn’t compromise the end game, right? Right.
I checked my email.
And that’s precisely when my cries of insecurity turned into those of bewilderment, and they rang loud.
Larry Holmes.
Larry and I learned the alphabet within the same walls of Ingram Elementary as well as having our tassels crossed from right to left in June of 1998 as we fled the halls of Montour High. “It’s been a long time since we have crossed paths.”, he began. “I have been with you on your journey since day one.”, he continued. His letter was filled with compliments, motivation, awe, and descriptive portraits of his beautiful family. “You are the energy to many of us back home.”, he went on to say. “You got this. You can do hard things. Keep going.”, he concluded.
A childhood friend who I hadn’t connected with in over 20 years has learned of my journey? Has been implicitly following along? With mapping?! Been heavily impacted by it? And took the time and the courage to very articulately reach out to me? This. This. THIS is why I am out here. This is why I walked.
And I then walked myself right up to the summit of West Mountain. Filled with fuel and fervor.
Do not keep your thoughts under paperweights, I beg you. Say what you need to say, and say it now. You just may change someone’s direction. Larry got me up and over that mountain on the 4th of August.
My own mental mountain, that is.
It is my thoughts vs. my will. My thoughts vs. my legs. My thoughts vs. utter discomfort. It is me vs. me. Not, me vs. the mountains. They aren’t out to get me. They’ve been standing tall for a million years and will for a million more. I cannot beat them, I must join them.
Just as a very intrusive woman joined me on July 24th, her sunglasses popped in picturesque Audrey Hepburn-like fashion, filming me as I descended into Wind Gap, Pennsylvania. I slowed as I approached her, thinking, “This chic needs to step the f#$& back!”.
“Rae…is that you?…”
My soul sister, who was now an unrecognizable blonde, flew from Seattle, WA into Newark, NJ, rented a candy apple red Hyundai, tracked my precise coordinates by beacon and pulled off one hella surprise. With a trunk full of fresh berries, rosé, Manchego, an electric toothbrush, and more support than could safely be belted, we spent the night in Delaware Water Gap helping fellow hikers, noshing on homemade ramen and saké at Sango Kura, and snuggling while we caught up after 25 months of not seeing one another- Cliffs Notes style.
Raelyn is the instrumentalist of her own DW John Bonham edition drumkit. The jockey of a Honda CRF 250. The racer of a Porsche Cayman S. She stays hungry for experience and has inspired me to do the same. I am as I am because she is.
Just as Katie joined me the day prior, opposing me on trail with her unleashed pup, Maggie, at mile 1275.5, Smith Gap Road. I had last seen her over 4th of July weekend at The Treehouse Camp at Maple Tree, the site of my tent’s demise. And before that, at Neels Gap on the 22nd of March as she piled her pack into an Uber, Atlanta airport bound, leaving me to face the trail alone for the first time. After providing trail magic to my kin, with her 3 boys being looked after by a ridge runner while noshing on their “screen-time”, she and Maggie hiked Southbound, surprising me head on. We had envisioned backpacking 40…60…maybe 90 miles together during the meat of my stint on trail, but logistics, a hurdle, and time diminishing.
I was thankful for my 3 with her.
Katie had the sheer desire to tow her family and her pop-up camper from their recess in Maine, equipped with a sea of water in the midst of Pennsylvania’s driest stretch and the genuine love for my hike. For me. Watermelon, freshly roasted coffee beans, trailhead shuttles late into the evening and again before the sun rose, wayfinding, adaptability, patience, and above all…poised understanding.
My Fuel.
Also in my army stand Karl Love, Jaap, Fasenella, Stitt, Dukic, Klein, Ciotti, Gallegos, Tssario, Fauls, my sister, Rachel, and my niece’s boyfriend’s MOTHER (Whew!! That was a mouthful!!), Leslie Sharpless with gracious donations, allowing me to find comfort indoors more frequently than my budget will allow but that the weather has demanded. The Sharpless family? Really? Mere weeks prior to my departure for Georgia, I had met them for the first time when surprising my sister for her 50th birthday in Charlotte, NC. Leslie and I chatted at length about my past and its dichotomy from the walk in the woods that I was about to embark upon. They’re behind me too? Impacted by my doings?
Homemade chocolate chip cookies and a suitcase full of shampoo from the Minney’s, mayo upon mayo…upon mayo and granola from Horvat, a bottle of red and a fresh tank from Bellora, Bronner’s and boutique munchies from Maria Petsiavas, waxed thread and Dot’s Homestyle Pretzels per request from Nicole, a bracelet full of crosses and scriptured reminders from Jenn, and a 42 pound box of backpacker’s delight, complete with enough nosh for two resupplies and a Subway gift card, courtesy of Bruce and Terrie Fowler. Terrie piloted me through my entry into critical care nursing. I was both petrified by and magnetized to her knowledge and her swag alike. She was a complete bada$$. I wanted to be her. Period. Now here I stand, muddied by the pines, making her proud.
Reconnections with Hassler, Bauer, Ostrowski, Dunn, Pam Glaser (“Tiiiime oooouuuutttt!!!), Zajacs, Dan Parks, Claypoole, Imhoff, Kathy Helfrick (you’ll always be Symchak to me, by the way), and Lauren Griffith, to name a few. Only to be paralleled to my intersection with strangers who I now call friends, all who you will have the pleasure of meeting below.
My odyssey has now knowingly grabbed ahold of the hearts and minds of many.
Beyond moved, I am. Electrified, in fact.
Yet, I feel like a small fish in a big pond. Still me.
Not in my corner was Denise, the very discontented woman who was on shift at the Dunkin Donuts in Delaware Water Gap on the morning of July 26th. After I entered through the very open door of the franchise, she promptly barked, “GET OOOOUUUUTTT!!!”. What?!? “I’d like to order a coffee”, I stated. “I am too busy! TOO busy. No. No, you have to leave. NOW!!”, she responded through her headset as she hurriedly filled cardboard drink caddies with iced mochas and coffees with cream. She went on to elaborate that she only had time to serve the patrons at the drive-thru, a route that I was not welcomed to without a vehicle of my own.
Was I being kicked out of a Dunkin Donuts? Discriminated against because I was on foot?
Yes. Yes, I was.
Deborah said, “Hell nah!!”.
Moments later, I found myself in a verbal altercation with Denise, raising my voice with confident class through the drive-thru speaker, “I’ve walked from Georgia, Denise…I will be contacting your manager, Denise…This is discrimination, Denise…”. “Step away from the intercom, ma’am…there are vehicles behind you, ma’am…I will call the police, ma’am!”, she threatened. And she ma’amed me. Multiple times. Change the plan, not the goal, I thought. I then proceeded to approach the very perplexed elderly woman in the Cavalier behind me. I explained the situation; handed her a ten; she, in turn, handed me my well-earned large Americano; and I smiled at dear Denise through the glass as I took my virgin sip.
Remember, it’s not if, it’s how.
1300, 1400, 1500, 1600, 1700 miles and New Jersey, New York, Connecticut, Massachusetts, and now, Vermont since we’ve last chatted. Pennsylvania’s rocks have been traded for the mosquitos, mud, and recent hurricane of New England. “Mosquitos”, meaning the persistent bites of the perpetrators from stem to stern, through my shirt, my socks, and on my tissue as I wiped, despite the use of 98% DEET. A concentration which was most probably robbing my neurons of their ability to fire and eroding the inked measurements off of my Nalgene bottle. And “mud”, meaning the uninterrupted procession of above-ankle-deep chocolate colored liquid clay that has slowed my pace to half of its strength and has brought both my backside, and my spirit, to a gravity stricken low.
It had been 12 days since I had last showered (in upwards of 104 degree weather, mind you), thanks to the unaffordable pricing of New York real estate and its subsequent sequalae that trickled down to budgeted hikers. Fellow hikers stretched as far as to engage in online dating apps, such as Tinder, in the hopes of connecting with a Clark Kent…if he had a working bathtub and a Maytag. Not Dips. I stalled until Pawling, NY, where I “showered”, fully clothed, in the very public Morrow Park under the spigot that purged ice cold water from its nozzle that was intended to rinse the bodies of the locals that were covered in sand after swimming in the community’s lake. I held my breath each time that I had to rinse the Head and Shoulders off of my scalp, surrounded by nuclear families who were most probably whispering to their children, “See that woman over there?…that’s what’ll happen to you if stop studying, if you say ‘yes’ to the ganja.”
If they only knew.
4 of my brethren have lost teeth. Be it scurvy, barrages of sugar, or the dependence on gas station feed induced malnutrition, I’m unsure. When I squat in the face of my first urination of the morning, I internally chant, “1…2…3…down!”, teary eyed, as my knees feel as if they are lubricated with shards of glass nowadays. I’m summiting mountains that have recognizable names now. Reputable names. The 4K’ers. Names that call for a weekend away to backpackers at home, putting another notch on their climbing belts. Mt. Race. Mt. Everett. Bear Mountain. Mt. Greylock. Stratton Mountain. Bromley. Killington. With the fear of the Whites looming ahead. I have 48 days to traverse 489 miles. 489 of the objectively most difficult miles of this trail. Each day that passes lends to the threat of the return of the freezing temperatures that lurk as fall approaches, but most threatening is the clock that is loudly ticking down to October 15, jeopardizing my successful completion. “Just because they are ahead, doesn’t mean that you’re behind.”, Wallflower reminds me.
I have not taken a day off of the trail since July 25th. Imagine having no “weekend” after a grueling workweek. Now multiply that by 4. I’ve pulled a string of thirty 12 hour shifts. And still counting.
I’ve been covered in mud from nape to toes, crocodile tears, the blood of my beloved mosquito, and uncertainty. But, I’ve also been covered in grace, wonder, patience and austerity.
Yet, in these moments of physical and mental wrestle, I innately find gratitude for the fight and the enthrallment for more of the same. For my palm against that easeled wooden pinnacle that reads “KATAHDIN”, will only feel sweet if it is earned. Please don’t mistake my focus being on the destination, rather than my journey. Said sign has little meaning to me in and of itself, but if I am able to deliver myself to its bounty, then that means that I’ve learned how to journey.
And above my bunk at Green Mountain Hostel in Manchester Center, VT hung a mahogany framed quote that was shouting at me.
“Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checked by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat.”
-T. Roosevelt
How very serendipitous.